Friday, May 19, 2006
Bitch.
Yeah, that's what you are. After all this time, I never thought we'd be here- yeah in this shithole we cver up in front of people. You walked around in my shoes? you LOVE me? Bitch, don't even fucking use that word, you have no idea what it means.
Yesterday, I cried not because other people around me were, not because I was emotional over what I had to do yesterday, but because after telling them what being batchmates means, I realised that I do not see that in you, at all, neither of the 2 of you. Batchmates don't make each other feel SMALL or like crap. Even SHE knows it, the innocent party and victim of your ploys- yeah, VICTIM cos one day you'll fucking forget about her and move on, like you do to everyone else. I call it your PHASES, yeah one time one person. So long as the I love yous last for 3 days, that's enough for you isn't it.
You know why I wanted to leave early from your place? Because I couldn't stand looking at your face so cold and so BLAND when you look back in me, almost in disgust that I'm even standing there. Because I couldn't help but notice the disparity in how they were being treated, as compared to how I was. I couldn't help but secretly EXPECT, stupid me, that because I SUPPOSEDLY meant something more to you, there was something special for me. You made me feel SMALL, idiot, so small I was disgusted looking at myself. And then, wow, didn't occur to you to that I was looking, did it?
Then yesterday. Scolding them was made so much easier because I had so little pretending to do, thinking of how you've treated me was about enough to get me in that frame of mind. You stood there, RIGHT NEXT TO ME and saw me in tears. DID YOU CARE?! of course not, there were more important people to tend to. That night, when you messaged me after the whole minute-taking affair, I prayed to God to say thanks; I thought that perhaps, we were finally getting through each other. Chilling reminder of the time I came to you that lunch in tears and you had your arms folded like I was just a waste of your time. You only drive me lower than where I was when I came to you- so maybe not. One question bitch, when you're down and out, are they there to worry about you and help see you through it? Does anyone actually even realyl care? AS much as you DON'T let me in, but I keep trying and annoying the hell outta you in doing so, does anyone else actually even try? You said yourself, very few people love you like I do, but does that even MEAN anything to you? Or are they just words. Words to help mask how you really feel and fucking shut the gullible me up.
So easily you forget, bitch. You're only nice to me when I'm the ONLY one hanging around to see how you're doing. When it's all about fun, you go find other people. Damnit, like yesterday, I was stupid enough to hope you'd give me a hug too. But NO, hell, all you care about is your new found obsession. So, what am I to you? NOTHING, right, bitch!?! What's this 'friendship' we claim to have? NOTHING, compared to your little sessions of fun and holding hands with your new found digs. WHY, WHY dammit WHY am I such a shit to you? It's like I don't even EXIST ANYMORE, dammit. That's it, isn't it? I am PERIPHERAL, merely a STAND-IN while you look for seomthing better. BITCH, how dare I let you do that to me, FUCKING BITCH. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. Screw you, that's tour problem now, not mine. Bitch, I hate you, so so much for treating me like you do. If I were mean to you or if you were just like any other person, then perhaps none of this would matter. But I can tell you to your face, I do not deserve this; you know it too, BITCH.
THREE STOOGES!?! BULLSHITT. I'm the peripheral one you can cast aside once your mood feels like it right? Why the hell do I perform for you, try SO SO hard just to make sure we've something, just SOMETHING to hold on to and remind us about what we mean. Maybe I'm selfish, it's probably just me that sees some importance or worth in doing that. That goes for the BOTH of you, sadly enough. I RAN MAD, bullshit. We lost it, idiots; thank you for taking away from me something I thought I'd leave this bloody place remembering forever. I guess I will still remember you, of course I will; for all the pain you've caused me.
Wake up, me, fucking WAKE UP. Now if I'd just open my eyes and see you for you, and not for what my heart wants me to see. You're absolutely right; this 'love' or 'friendship' i thought we had are just that- THOUGHTS and nothing else. Thank you for showing me the truth about people; however much you love them, and however much they know it, will never never never think of you the same way. Even if they say it, it's probably BULLSHIT too. I fucking hate myself for being so desperate as to wish and hope and BELIEVE that I mean something to you, hell even that you mean something to me. I'm ashamed of having bared to you the real me, because now that you know my weaknesses you know full well where to hit me hardest. I feel disgusted at having looked up to you once, defending you whatever people said about you. You said you prayed for me every night? For what, for things to get worse?
Now please, help me get you OUT of my life, so I can move on, and let time heal the gashes you made in me, and the gashes you made me inflict on myself. I want to learn to not be afraid to love again, to learn to TRUST people enough to put my heart and soul on the line because I know you won't hurt me. Well until I get there, thank you BITCHES for showing me:
1. what a fool I've been
2. How this concept of LOVE or FRIENDS is SHIT
3. What really matters has absolutely NOTHING to do with you
Get out please, and take along your baggage with you cause I'm not here anymore to help you sort it out. I'm not here anymore to stand by you. I stood alone, it's about time you do the same. So long, BITCH.
I flew @ 7:38 AM
Bitch.
Yeah, that's what you are. After all this time, I never thought we'd be here- yeah in this shithole we cver up in front of people. You walked around in my shoes? you LOVE me? Bitch, don't even fucking use that word, you have no idea what it means.
Yesterday, I cried not because other people around me were, not because I was emotional over what I had to do yesterday, but because after telling them what being batchmates means, I realised that I do not see that in you, at all, neither of the 2 of you. Batchmates don't make each other feel SMALL or like crap. Even SHE knows it, the innocent party and victim of your ploys- yeah, VICTIM cos one day you'll fucking forget about her and move on, like you do to everyone else. I call it your PHASES, yeah one time one person. So long as the I love yous last for 3 days, that's enough for you isn't it.
You know why I wanted to leave early from your place? Because I couldn't stand looking at your face so cold and so BLAND when you look back in me, almost in disgust that I'm even standing there. Because I couldn't help but notice the disparity in how they were being treated, as compared to how I was. I couldn't help but secretly EXPECT, stupid me, that because I SUPPOSEDLY meant something more to you, there was something special for me. You made me feel SMALL, idiot, so small I was disgusted looking at myself. And then, wow, didn't occur to you to that I was looking, did it?
Then yesterday. Scolding them was made so much easier because I had so little pretending to do, thinking of how you've treated me was about enough to get me in that frame of mind. You stood there, RIGHT NEXT TO ME and saw me in tears. DID YOU CARE?! of course not, there were more important people to tend to. That night, when you messaged me after the whole minute-taking affair, I prayed to God to say thanks; I thought that perhaps, we were finally getting through each other. Chilling reminder of the time I came to you that lunch in tears and you had your arms folded like I was just a waste of your time. You only drive me lower than where I was when I came to you- so maybe not. One question bitch, when you're down and out, are they there to worry about you and help see you through it? Does anyone actually even realyl care? AS much as you DON'T let me in, but I keep trying and annoying the hell outta you in doing so, does anyone else actually even try? You said yourself, very few people love you like I do, but does that even MEAN anything to you? Or are they just words. Words to help mask how you really feel and fucking shut the gullible me up.
So easily you forget, bitch. You're only nice to me when I'm the ONLY one hanging around to see how you're doing. When it's all about fun, you go find other people. Damnit, like yesterday, I was stupid enough to hope you'd give me a hug too. But NO, hell, all you care about is your new found obsession. So, what am I to you? NOTHING, right, bitch!?! What's this 'friendship' we claim to have? NOTHING, compared to your little sessions of fun and holding hands with your new found digs. WHY, WHY dammit WHY am I such a shit to you? It's like I don't even EXIST ANYMORE, dammit. That's it, isn't it? I am PERIPHERAL, merely a STAND-IN while you look for seomthing better. BITCH, how dare I let you do that to me, FUCKING BITCH. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU. Screw you, that's tour problem now, not mine. Bitch, I hate you, so so much for treating me like you do. If I were mean to you or if you were just like any other person, then perhaps none of this would matter. But I can tell you to your face, I do not deserve this; you know it too, BITCH.
THREE STOOGES!?! BULLSHITT. I'm the peripheral one you can cast aside once your mood feels like it right? Why the hell do I perform for you, try SO SO hard just to make sure we've something, just SOMETHING to hold on to and remind us about what we mean. Maybe I'm selfish, it's probably just me that sees some importance or worth in doing that. That goes for the BOTH of you, sadly enough. I RAN MAD, bullshit. We lost it, idiots; thank you for taking away from me something I thought I'd leave this bloody place remembering forever. I guess I will still remember you, of course I will; for all the pain you've caused me.
Wake up, me, fucking WAKE UP. Now if I'd just open my eyes and see you for you, and not for what my heart wants me to see. You're absolutely right; this 'love' or 'friendship' i thought we had are just that- THOUGHTS and nothing else. Thank you for showing me the truth about people; however much you love them, and however much they know it, will never never never think of you the same way. Even if they say it, it's probably BULLSHIT too. I fucking hate myself for being so desperate as to wish and hope and BELIEVE that I mean something to you, hell even that you mean something to me. I'm ashamed of having bared to you the real me, because now that you know my weaknesses you know full well where to hit me hardest. I feel disgusted at having looked up to you once, defending you whatever people said about you. You said you prayed for me every night? For what, for things to get worse?
Now please, help me get you OUT of my life, so I can move on, and let time heal the gashes you made in me, and the gashes you made me inflict on myself. I want to learn to not be afraid to love again, to learn to TRUST people enough to put my heart and soul on the line because I know you won't hurt me. Well until I get there, thank you BITCHES for showing me:
1. what a fool I've been
2. How this concept of LOVE or FRIENDS is SHIT
3. What really matters has absolutely NOTHING to do with you
Get out please, and take along your baggage with you cause I'm not here anymore to help you sort it out. I'm not here anymore to stand by you. I stood alone, it's about time you do the same. So long, BITCH.
I flew @ 7:38 AM
