Friday, May 12, 2006
back. This is NOT a good thing for you morons who've hacked this site, bugger off please thank you- there's a reason why i password protected it; tempting as it is, I don't think you'd like it yourself if I found the key to your little diary either. So shoo.
I've never cried in public, at no instigation; till today. The rain was some bullshit excuse okay, I really really was looking forward to spending some time with you today and catching up; it's been a long time, and we missed your birthday. Hah, and to think I actually FELT BAD that we cancelled on you today. Just stoned? yeah ok, whatever you say. I honestly cannot be bothered anymore. You're happy? Cool. You're not? Deal with it. Even at concert night, haha being the fucking idiot I am, I was peeved you didn't ask me down. I would have. Cancelling today? Yeah, it sucked cause I really had put aside time for you today but you don't give a hoot.
And you. My only use for you is to snap at, punching bag and rebound jerk right? Oh yeah, I'm not the one you're exclusively snappy at? Right. "hi junjun lol (:" does that sound particularly snappy to you? Well stupid me for caring about you when all I get is bullshit and the buggers who don't really give a shit get the nice side of you. BRILLIANT. Concert night, I honestly did feel bad and really did feel for you; but you brush it off "yeah, you owe me money". THANKS. Is that all you can say? I know, you were too busy with your DEAREST DARLINGEST you know who. I can be right next to you and mean nothing to you at all, ANYWAY. Would it HONESTLY kill you to show a little affection? Some just some little, most subtlest even VAGUEST indication that you C A R E!?!??!! Shit's going on in MY head too, not just yours. But I put it aside to sort you out. APPRECIATE it, DAMMIT. Every word you said about oh "maybe it's selfish of me not to give it to you"- I DON'T BELIEVE IT, even though I really really want to. And WHY!? Because you don't look like you believe it yourself. Yeah you're pissed and shit, I get pissed and shit too but do I just snap at you and be so curt and laconic for NOTHING!?!??! No, I do not. And I do not need you to tell me that.
So, brilliant, you both have taught me 2 important lessons:
1. I am a foolish and worthless piece of crap
I cannot believe I still let myself believe in a concept that SO does not exist. I cannot believe I stooped so low I let you all step all over me because I loved you; No, idiot, you don't LOVE people like that. They're not worth your time. How can I know this perfectly and still keep loving you. BULLSHIT. Wake up and smell the coffee, bugger.
2. Friendship is a bullshit concept.
NO, as much as they tell you they are; the are NEVER there when you need them. They NEVER NEVER fail to hurt you. The more you love them, the more they hurt you so stay away. I cannot believe I CRIED, looking at photos and thinking about the things you said, and MESSAGING about a present for one of you. No, you don't appreciate it or anything at all. It's always me to send out the first thank you sms or take care card or whatever; it's always me to say hey are you ok, everything alright? It comes to the point where I'm so fucking desperate for someone to talk to, I ASK YOU INSTEAD. Bloody HELL, SHAME ON ME.
For 10 minutes I hoped I would find a BEST FRIEND, someone who GENUINELY cares and actually MEANS what she says; and I know it through what she does and what she says. Then I remember these people do not exist. Friendship is a bullshit concept; best friendship is simply the highest level of deceit. She doesnt really really CARE or BOTHER what the hell's going on with you; especially when she finds you irritating, when she's got her own things to deal with. Of course she won't PUT ASIDE her own shit to help you out. And lastly, of COURSE she won't LOVE YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY, ALL THE TIME. That doesn't happen, what makes us so foolish to believe it does. That also means she WON'T do ANYTHING for you. And all this in the time before she finds someone else better than you; tell me you don't believe things last FOREVER. People die, and their emotions die along with them, so forever must be another bullshit concept we let ourselves believe because its just so comforting if it were true.
3 S****** have DIED; ok? Whatever, buggers, I lost faith and hope; much later than the 2 of you, but lost it all the same. Let whatever we had in the past stay there because there's where it belongs and that's where we secretly know it will only ever be.
I flew @ 11:49 PM
back. This is NOT a good thing for you morons who've hacked this site, bugger off please thank you- there's a reason why i password protected it; tempting as it is, I don't think you'd like it yourself if I found the key to your little diary either. So shoo.
I've never cried in public, at no instigation; till today. The rain was some bullshit excuse okay, I really really was looking forward to spending some time with you today and catching up; it's been a long time, and we missed your birthday. Hah, and to think I actually FELT BAD that we cancelled on you today. Just stoned? yeah ok, whatever you say. I honestly cannot be bothered anymore. You're happy? Cool. You're not? Deal with it. Even at concert night, haha being the fucking idiot I am, I was peeved you didn't ask me down. I would have. Cancelling today? Yeah, it sucked cause I really had put aside time for you today but you don't give a hoot.
And you. My only use for you is to snap at, punching bag and rebound jerk right? Oh yeah, I'm not the one you're exclusively snappy at? Right. "hi junjun lol (:" does that sound particularly snappy to you? Well stupid me for caring about you when all I get is bullshit and the buggers who don't really give a shit get the nice side of you. BRILLIANT. Concert night, I honestly did feel bad and really did feel for you; but you brush it off "yeah, you owe me money". THANKS. Is that all you can say? I know, you were too busy with your DEAREST DARLINGEST you know who. I can be right next to you and mean nothing to you at all, ANYWAY. Would it HONESTLY kill you to show a little affection? Some just some little, most subtlest even VAGUEST indication that you C A R E!?!??!! Shit's going on in MY head too, not just yours. But I put it aside to sort you out. APPRECIATE it, DAMMIT. Every word you said about oh "maybe it's selfish of me not to give it to you"- I DON'T BELIEVE IT, even though I really really want to. And WHY!? Because you don't look like you believe it yourself. Yeah you're pissed and shit, I get pissed and shit too but do I just snap at you and be so curt and laconic for NOTHING!?!??! No, I do not. And I do not need you to tell me that.
So, brilliant, you both have taught me 2 important lessons:
1. I am a foolish and worthless piece of crap
I cannot believe I still let myself believe in a concept that SO does not exist. I cannot believe I stooped so low I let you all step all over me because I loved you; No, idiot, you don't LOVE people like that. They're not worth your time. How can I know this perfectly and still keep loving you. BULLSHIT. Wake up and smell the coffee, bugger.
2. Friendship is a bullshit concept.
NO, as much as they tell you they are; the are NEVER there when you need them. They NEVER NEVER fail to hurt you. The more you love them, the more they hurt you so stay away. I cannot believe I CRIED, looking at photos and thinking about the things you said, and MESSAGING about a present for one of you. No, you don't appreciate it or anything at all. It's always me to send out the first thank you sms or take care card or whatever; it's always me to say hey are you ok, everything alright? It comes to the point where I'm so fucking desperate for someone to talk to, I ASK YOU INSTEAD. Bloody HELL, SHAME ON ME.
For 10 minutes I hoped I would find a BEST FRIEND, someone who GENUINELY cares and actually MEANS what she says; and I know it through what she does and what she says. Then I remember these people do not exist. Friendship is a bullshit concept; best friendship is simply the highest level of deceit. She doesnt really really CARE or BOTHER what the hell's going on with you; especially when she finds you irritating, when she's got her own things to deal with. Of course she won't PUT ASIDE her own shit to help you out. And lastly, of COURSE she won't LOVE YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY, ALL THE TIME. That doesn't happen, what makes us so foolish to believe it does. That also means she WON'T do ANYTHING for you. And all this in the time before she finds someone else better than you; tell me you don't believe things last FOREVER. People die, and their emotions die along with them, so forever must be another bullshit concept we let ourselves believe because its just so comforting if it were true.
3 S****** have DIED; ok? Whatever, buggers, I lost faith and hope; much later than the 2 of you, but lost it all the same. Let whatever we had in the past stay there because there's where it belongs and that's where we secretly know it will only ever be.
I flew @ 11:49 PM
