Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I've had enough of you. Talking and nagging and yelling and screaming and - hitting. And hitting. I never trembled so much in my life, I've never felt so scared of my own flesh and blood, never felt so humiliated, ridiculed by ANYONE, what more YOU. Which part of I'm fucking trying my best can you not bloody understand. I make mistakes, I'm nt as fucking perfect as you want me to be, as you force me to be. Yes I get a bloody bad grade but I'll deal with it, I'm calm till you SCREAM and YELL and HIT ME, then I get flustered, anxious and nervous. Yes, you wanna know why my 'fighting spirit' is gone? YOU, yes you, bitch. Yeah, I'll admit - that stupid ruler and those ssounds you heard? It WAS me, you drove me to think I was that much in the wrong. That penknife? You made me see no more worth in myself. Stop thinking you know what's best because you FUCKING DON'T. Bloody hell, if you did, I wouldn't have cried for TWO HOURS like an idiot who's lost her mind. I wouldn't have thought of escaping, for good, Na'uzubillah. Everytime I fall, it's YOU, you who puts nails on the ground where I land. Shut up with your support BULLSHIT, I ain't buying it anymore. I kept it for so long- go ahead call me rude, ingrate, WAHTEVER I don't give a SHIT. And then don't make me play your little pretend games, hug you and act normal like nothign happened when my cheeks are still wet, when teh gashes on my arms and in my heart still spew out blood. BULLSHIT. Don't tell me it's for the best - everytime you do anything, you just fucking complicate things and throw me completely off course. Don't 'care' so much or 'love' me because I don't know if you really do (well this whole thing is OBLIGATORY, innit) - because you fucking hurt me, shock me and STRESS ME OUT- yeah, it's not the schoolwork or the time spent or anything else that bothers me but YOU. YOU put undue pressure and stress on me, bloody strong me has her limits, it's freakign tiring trying to keep it up, even with YOU. BITCH. So it's too bad for you if you can't deal with me being tired or slipping a little, I am managing or at least trying and I know I'm human, I think that concept slipped by you completely. Now shut the hell up, I'm not fucking listening; and LEAVE ME ALONE. So that I am at peace with myself and the world around me, so that I am not reduced to something that cannot fend for itself, one that needs help. I've had enough, and I am NOT taking any more of this BULLSHIT, so save it for someone who really gives a shit.
And you, my dear. Where the hell were you when the worl walked out on me, threw me down and kicked me around? Where the hell were you when I needed you? After being there for you, even if you didn;t quite want me around- just so you know i fucking care, just so you know i fucking love you. I did many things for you, was genuinely worried about you when I sensed your silent screams, took you into my arms as much as I could and held your hand as we walked out together. Bitch. Where teh hell are you now that I need you. I send you messages that I hope are replied, I tell you things hoping that at least you'd care. Who fucking else do I hvae left to turn to. And where the hell were you. Toady I could have cried, I took time to talk to you at recess and you left, with wanjoo, like I didnt even matter, like you didnt even care, like you didnt even KNOW there was something wrong. Screw you, bitch. Where teh hell were you? I don't give a shit, you fucking don't either.
COLDPLAY LYRICS
"Talk"
Oh brother I can't,
I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you,
cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future
and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle,
you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking
in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me
So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done
So you don't know were you're going,
and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
I flew @ 6:23 AM
I've had enough of you. Talking and nagging and yelling and screaming and - hitting. And hitting. I never trembled so much in my life, I've never felt so scared of my own flesh and blood, never felt so humiliated, ridiculed by ANYONE, what more YOU. Which part of I'm fucking trying my best can you not bloody understand. I make mistakes, I'm nt as fucking perfect as you want me to be, as you force me to be. Yes I get a bloody bad grade but I'll deal with it, I'm calm till you SCREAM and YELL and HIT ME, then I get flustered, anxious and nervous. Yes, you wanna know why my 'fighting spirit' is gone? YOU, yes you, bitch. Yeah, I'll admit - that stupid ruler and those ssounds you heard? It WAS me, you drove me to think I was that much in the wrong. That penknife? You made me see no more worth in myself. Stop thinking you know what's best because you FUCKING DON'T. Bloody hell, if you did, I wouldn't have cried for TWO HOURS like an idiot who's lost her mind. I wouldn't have thought of escaping, for good, Na'uzubillah. Everytime I fall, it's YOU, you who puts nails on the ground where I land. Shut up with your support BULLSHIT, I ain't buying it anymore. I kept it for so long- go ahead call me rude, ingrate, WAHTEVER I don't give a SHIT. And then don't make me play your little pretend games, hug you and act normal like nothign happened when my cheeks are still wet, when teh gashes on my arms and in my heart still spew out blood. BULLSHIT. Don't tell me it's for the best - everytime you do anything, you just fucking complicate things and throw me completely off course. Don't 'care' so much or 'love' me because I don't know if you really do (well this whole thing is OBLIGATORY, innit) - because you fucking hurt me, shock me and STRESS ME OUT- yeah, it's not the schoolwork or the time spent or anything else that bothers me but YOU. YOU put undue pressure and stress on me, bloody strong me has her limits, it's freakign tiring trying to keep it up, even with YOU. BITCH. So it's too bad for you if you can't deal with me being tired or slipping a little, I am managing or at least trying and I know I'm human, I think that concept slipped by you completely. Now shut the hell up, I'm not fucking listening; and LEAVE ME ALONE. So that I am at peace with myself and the world around me, so that I am not reduced to something that cannot fend for itself, one that needs help. I've had enough, and I am NOT taking any more of this BULLSHIT, so save it for someone who really gives a shit.
And you, my dear. Where the hell were you when the worl walked out on me, threw me down and kicked me around? Where the hell were you when I needed you? After being there for you, even if you didn;t quite want me around- just so you know i fucking care, just so you know i fucking love you. I did many things for you, was genuinely worried about you when I sensed your silent screams, took you into my arms as much as I could and held your hand as we walked out together. Bitch. Where teh hell are you now that I need you. I send you messages that I hope are replied, I tell you things hoping that at least you'd care. Who fucking else do I hvae left to turn to. And where the hell were you. Toady I could have cried, I took time to talk to you at recess and you left, with wanjoo, like I didnt even matter, like you didnt even care, like you didnt even KNOW there was something wrong. Screw you, bitch. Where teh hell were you? I don't give a shit, you fucking don't either.
COLDPLAY LYRICS
"Talk"
Oh brother I can't,
I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you,
cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future
and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle,
you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking
in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me
So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done
So you don't know were you're going,
and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
I flew @ 6:23 AM
