Monday, September 26, 2005
Well well well.
Today it hit me again. Just how much I am so absolutely sick of being me. I was discussing with someone the aspects of being bimbo after being wrongly accused of being one (HMPH). Then it came rushing back again.
I'm tired, just so tired of being where I am.
Don't get me wrong, self-esteem is not a problem. But. You know sometimes I question and reflect. Damn, how long am I gonna stand there, check the mirror ten million times then walk out the house thinking- damn what are they gonna say? How many times do I have to feel scared that I'd be on the verge of being AGAIN denied of opportunities, because of how much I weigh? I'm sick of looking in the mirror, thinking- there she is, ugly slob. Or hiding photos, being so selective because I just hate what I see, and I don't want others to. Some people just have it all, while others have nothing.
I'm fine, really- no identity issues, no esteem issues. I'm just TIRED of being stuck where I am. I need change, I need OUT of this place. So I can truly pick myself up and face the world, without worrying what people say, without sticking rear view mirrors on my forehead so I'm constantly aware of what people say. I'm thankful for what I have, Alhamdulillah, but
something's missing.
I feel limited, restrained- and most frustrating, by myself. I feel weak, like I'm never gonna be good enough. And while I see nothing to look up to in me, I'm supposed to be an example.
Damn. I just wish I had someone to walk with me. Ah if you were still here, I would have known I could run to you. So lonely. I am my greatest my enemy, my greatest downfall, most of what I do is self-inflicted- I just wished I had you here to keep me from myself, like you used to. You know I miss the times we had, really. It was a rollercoaster ride I'll never forget. It's sad to think we;ve gone too far in the opposite directions to turn around and go back to the start.
I sit here, The Scientist's playing and I think I'm going to cry. It's a brilliant song, really.
The Scientist- Coldplay
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
If I hadn't done enough, if I hurt you
You don't know how lovely you are
I do
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
No one can ever take your place
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Is it too late?
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Please, can we ever?
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
But I'm alone.
You know what I loved most about you? It sounds selfish- but it's the fact that I was always first in your book, you in mine. I made you priority, and I was never just a choice.
Now I sit and wonder if anyone will ever get the password to this blog, and to me;
protect it and keep me safe.
I flew @ 6:15 AM
Well well well.
Today it hit me again. Just how much I am so absolutely sick of being me. I was discussing with someone the aspects of being bimbo after being wrongly accused of being one (HMPH). Then it came rushing back again.
I'm tired, just so tired of being where I am.
Don't get me wrong, self-esteem is not a problem. But. You know sometimes I question and reflect. Damn, how long am I gonna stand there, check the mirror ten million times then walk out the house thinking- damn what are they gonna say? How many times do I have to feel scared that I'd be on the verge of being AGAIN denied of opportunities, because of how much I weigh? I'm sick of looking in the mirror, thinking- there she is, ugly slob. Or hiding photos, being so selective because I just hate what I see, and I don't want others to. Some people just have it all, while others have nothing.
I'm fine, really- no identity issues, no esteem issues. I'm just TIRED of being stuck where I am. I need change, I need OUT of this place. So I can truly pick myself up and face the world, without worrying what people say, without sticking rear view mirrors on my forehead so I'm constantly aware of what people say. I'm thankful for what I have, Alhamdulillah, but
something's missing.
I feel limited, restrained- and most frustrating, by myself. I feel weak, like I'm never gonna be good enough. And while I see nothing to look up to in me, I'm supposed to be an example.
Damn. I just wish I had someone to walk with me. Ah if you were still here, I would have known I could run to you. So lonely. I am my greatest my enemy, my greatest downfall, most of what I do is self-inflicted- I just wished I had you here to keep me from myself, like you used to. You know I miss the times we had, really. It was a rollercoaster ride I'll never forget. It's sad to think we;ve gone too far in the opposite directions to turn around and go back to the start.
I sit here, The Scientist's playing and I think I'm going to cry. It's a brilliant song, really.
The Scientist- Coldplay
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
If I hadn't done enough, if I hurt you
You don't know how lovely you are
I do
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
No one can ever take your place
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Is it too late?
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Please, can we ever?
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
But I'm alone.
You know what I loved most about you? It sounds selfish- but it's the fact that I was always first in your book, you in mine. I made you priority, and I was never just a choice.
Now I sit and wonder if anyone will ever get the password to this blog, and to me;
protect it and keep me safe.
I flew @ 6:15 AM
